Thursday, May 08, 2008
Rabbi means Teacher
copied from my yahooblog for the purpose of this workshop
Rabbi means Teacher…
This title used many times in the gospel did not really mean anything to me. I thought, just because He preaches in the synagogue, just like any scribe or Pharisee, the title Rabi would not be unusual to use in addressing Him.
While riding on a bus, with nothing to do [I have given up reading while in a bus a long time ago – the pleasure of reading doesn’t compensate the dizzying pain in my head after the ride] except my favorite past time, thinking, it flashed on my mind how a great teacher indeed is our Lord. To borrow a big word from Dr Koo’s class, He is a constructivist teacher (I just somehow understood the meaning of constructivism when Mrs Lago explained it to me while we were in her car from Dr Canoy’s class – three years after grad school, amazing!).
A teacher. He has a way of finding the best means to teach me that I would not miss – that I have to create or construct my own learning. He places me in a position where I could not really do anything but learn – on my own. First, he let me realize that real learning is far from dependence on others, no matter how “expert” they are. The downside though, is I have been disillusioned. Too disillusioned, in fact, that I have to reconstruct my own images of the people around me.
Second, he let me realize that the world is cruel and violent. That the Tagalog aphorism “kapit sa patalim” is not just a cute line from telenovelas. But most importantly, that the patalim is no one or nothing but He, Himself. This realization came as a gift. The gift of awareness. Here, awareness means the awareness that Fr Tony de Mello talks about, or was it henri nouwen? When I first read Fr de Mello’s writing on awareness – remember those cute little stories of was it Sahid (?) – that it is important to be aware, it was really greek. He even had suggestions how. By being aware. To siit down. Until when? Until you become aware. It was so so mind-boggling that I never really understand what he meant by being aware. In math parlance, it sounded very much like a circular definition, which is of course, unacceptable. There were many instances when what I read and what I learned in math were contradictory. Talk about oxymoron. But come to think of it, one of the most elegant proofs, is called by contradiction. What irony…
The gift of awareness. It is an extraordinary and amazing gift. So extraordinary that sometimes I think of returning the gift. Don’t mistake me, I have been praying and begging for this grace, although I must admit, it was not the term I used. Let me attempt to describe it. Awareness is a capacity to be aware [this is what I meant by circular definition, a definite no no in proofs]. It is almost like a hindsight that stays just at your shoulder ever ready to whisper what is happening around you, what you meant by what you actually said, how you feel at a particular moment, what you are actually doing at the very time you are doing what you are doing. It is not something that would predict the future. Even the immediate future, like in a matter of a few seconds. But it does give a little window of a few seconds before I do or say anything. Many times it helps me to step on the break in my tongue, but of course not all the time – especially when the velocity of my impulsiveness has already built up much momentum, the break would have to give way. So I consider awareness a gift because many times, it becomes the source of charity, wisdom and decency.
But it cuts both ways. Patalim nga. To use an old cliché, a two-edged sword. Because of awareness, I become more aware of committing a sin. As the Jesuits often taught us, it is a greater sin when done willfully. Hence, I feel that I have become a greater sinner.
Another grace, second to awareness in extraordinariness is disengagement. I really don’t know what to call it but the first word that came to mind at the time of realization was that – disengagement. Think of gears. In watch ads, usually at the back cover of Time or Newsweek [the flipside of the front page looks like being reserved by Rolex], I can’t remember the brand though, is a picture of a watch where gears inside are visible. Now, imagine the movement of those gears. Just tweak one and the rest moves in consortium. Disengagement would be like one gear dislodging itself from the entire operation and become a spectator.
I find this a very powerful image because disengagement would not only be confined to those little gears. I can see in my mind disengagement from an idea, a desire, a plan, a hobby, a habit, a person, a belief, an entire array of clutter in my knapsack of can’t-live-withouts. Again, this cuts both ways. Sometimes something crucial would be dismissed because the disengagement mode is not perfect. This is when awareness becomes closely entwined with disengagement.
Awareness and disengagement. They both come in combo. Awareness results in disengagement and disengagement can’t come without awareness – hmm… just my theory though, I can’t show a proof… yet.
All these I have learned in a classroom with no blackboard, no chair nor table. It is just a meeting place – a void, no walls, floors nor ceiling. But it is there we meet regularly, without really my being aware of it. Again, how ironic. I went there by accident at first. In my confusion, I just rambled without aim. Every night, at the same time, same place, I was there. Sometimes quiet, sometimes grumbling. Many times in Platonic dialogue – ala the Republic? Ugghh… whata…
Then I got the big surprise. Night of Holy Thursday. A different place, but very familiar. I was doing my promised daily walk. I noticed that it was actually the same place. The absence of supposed furniture was there. The atmosphere was really similar. And it hit me. In the gut. Very strong. Very powerful. He meet me every time! Every single time that I was there. And He was teaching me. Me, who has not evolved from being a student. Me, whose paradigm remains to be the confines of the classroom. He met me where I am. And everything seems to come into full circle. Awareness, disengagement, meeting place. Amazing!
Rabbi means Teacher…
This title used many times in the gospel did not really mean anything to me. I thought, just because He preaches in the synagogue, just like any scribe or Pharisee, the title Rabi would not be unusual to use in addressing Him.
While riding on a bus, with nothing to do [I have given up reading while in a bus a long time ago – the pleasure of reading doesn’t compensate the dizzying pain in my head after the ride] except my favorite past time, thinking, it flashed on my mind how a great teacher indeed is our Lord. To borrow a big word from Dr Koo’s class, He is a constructivist teacher (I just somehow understood the meaning of constructivism when Mrs Lago explained it to me while we were in her car from Dr Canoy’s class – three years after grad school, amazing!).
A teacher. He has a way of finding the best means to teach me that I would not miss – that I have to create or construct my own learning. He places me in a position where I could not really do anything but learn – on my own. First, he let me realize that real learning is far from dependence on others, no matter how “expert” they are. The downside though, is I have been disillusioned. Too disillusioned, in fact, that I have to reconstruct my own images of the people around me.
Second, he let me realize that the world is cruel and violent. That the Tagalog aphorism “kapit sa patalim” is not just a cute line from telenovelas. But most importantly, that the patalim is no one or nothing but He, Himself. This realization came as a gift. The gift of awareness. Here, awareness means the awareness that Fr Tony de Mello talks about, or was it henri nouwen? When I first read Fr de Mello’s writing on awareness – remember those cute little stories of was it Sahid (?) – that it is important to be aware, it was really greek. He even had suggestions how. By being aware. To siit down. Until when? Until you become aware. It was so so mind-boggling that I never really understand what he meant by being aware. In math parlance, it sounded very much like a circular definition, which is of course, unacceptable. There were many instances when what I read and what I learned in math were contradictory. Talk about oxymoron. But come to think of it, one of the most elegant proofs, is called by contradiction. What irony…
The gift of awareness. It is an extraordinary and amazing gift. So extraordinary that sometimes I think of returning the gift. Don’t mistake me, I have been praying and begging for this grace, although I must admit, it was not the term I used. Let me attempt to describe it. Awareness is a capacity to be aware [this is what I meant by circular definition, a definite no no in proofs]. It is almost like a hindsight that stays just at your shoulder ever ready to whisper what is happening around you, what you meant by what you actually said, how you feel at a particular moment, what you are actually doing at the very time you are doing what you are doing. It is not something that would predict the future. Even the immediate future, like in a matter of a few seconds. But it does give a little window of a few seconds before I do or say anything. Many times it helps me to step on the break in my tongue, but of course not all the time – especially when the velocity of my impulsiveness has already built up much momentum, the break would have to give way. So I consider awareness a gift because many times, it becomes the source of charity, wisdom and decency.
But it cuts both ways. Patalim nga. To use an old cliché, a two-edged sword. Because of awareness, I become more aware of committing a sin. As the Jesuits often taught us, it is a greater sin when done willfully. Hence, I feel that I have become a greater sinner.
Another grace, second to awareness in extraordinariness is disengagement. I really don’t know what to call it but the first word that came to mind at the time of realization was that – disengagement. Think of gears. In watch ads, usually at the back cover of Time or Newsweek [the flipside of the front page looks like being reserved by Rolex], I can’t remember the brand though, is a picture of a watch where gears inside are visible. Now, imagine the movement of those gears. Just tweak one and the rest moves in consortium. Disengagement would be like one gear dislodging itself from the entire operation and become a spectator.
I find this a very powerful image because disengagement would not only be confined to those little gears. I can see in my mind disengagement from an idea, a desire, a plan, a hobby, a habit, a person, a belief, an entire array of clutter in my knapsack of can’t-live-withouts. Again, this cuts both ways. Sometimes something crucial would be dismissed because the disengagement mode is not perfect. This is when awareness becomes closely entwined with disengagement.
Awareness and disengagement. They both come in combo. Awareness results in disengagement and disengagement can’t come without awareness – hmm… just my theory though, I can’t show a proof… yet.
All these I have learned in a classroom with no blackboard, no chair nor table. It is just a meeting place – a void, no walls, floors nor ceiling. But it is there we meet regularly, without really my being aware of it. Again, how ironic. I went there by accident at first. In my confusion, I just rambled without aim. Every night, at the same time, same place, I was there. Sometimes quiet, sometimes grumbling. Many times in Platonic dialogue – ala the Republic? Ugghh… whata…
Then I got the big surprise. Night of Holy Thursday. A different place, but very familiar. I was doing my promised daily walk. I noticed that it was actually the same place. The absence of supposed furniture was there. The atmosphere was really similar. And it hit me. In the gut. Very strong. Very powerful. He meet me every time! Every single time that I was there. And He was teaching me. Me, who has not evolved from being a student. Me, whose paradigm remains to be the confines of the classroom. He met me where I am. And everything seems to come into full circle. Awareness, disengagement, meeting place. Amazing!
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